lostinnarration

Sometimes, I really wish I didn't have to hold back so much on my feelings. And I don't mean like, holding back on saying mean things. On the contrary; I wish I didn't have to hold back on saying all the good things I have to say about people. Butttt I always do since apparently people aren't always used to an insane display of affection. I really miss being able to tell people how much I love them without coming off so weird.

So classes have started. It's a new year. It's a new life. It's a new path. Own room. Own schedule. Own rules. Yea, it's all good. Classes are okay. I walked off some of the problems I had from the summer and kept some others that are still hard to let go of despite my best efforts. I always try to remember that other people have it worse (and oftentimes, I know people personally who have it worse), but I find myself realizing it's not about that anymore.

I want to believe that as a result, I'm a better person. I desperately want to see myself moving towards something valuable, some great accomplishment. I found a great bumper sticker on facebook that said, "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." - Albert Einstein

Lastly, I don't know what the point of me having a blog is, if I can't share the things that truly bother me with anyone. It feels horrible to not be able to talk to anyone about it and to only have yourself as a guide; it's so frustrating when you try to decide what to do and the only advice you  can offer yourself is worthless. Sure, I have a few friends who know more than others. I have friends who know nothing about me, others who know lies about me, and very few who know truths about me. I guess that would be cheating the ones I haven't been honest with, but sometimes, some information is way too private.

Which brings me back to the original quandary; how to express myself on a blog and interact with those I love, without truly divulging the nature of the problem. Ah, does it even matter. I find myself blogging on two blogs, but no one ever reads them.  I truly wish I could give up everything and say it all, but the past has just taught me that frienships are more complicated than that. You keep some, you lose some. And in the end, the person you thought you'd still keep in touch with 30 years from now, is a person you don't even talk to anymore.

That scares me.

I don't want that to happen, especially since it seems pathetic to learn and grow from your friends and cultivate who they are and who you are as a person, then forget it ever happened. People come into your life for a reason, and if they leave, it'll be because that reason was not a good one. But if they stay in your life, it's a gift.

I'm constantly afraid I'll lose the people I love, from my friends to my family, that I think it's pushed me to a bit of an antisocial edge. In my subconscious mind and heart, it seems I believe I cannot get hurt if I don't have anyone to hurt me in the first place. But in light of the most recent hurtful event, I have to say that I still would not  change a thing about what happened. I love and appreciate my friendship with this person too much to ever think anything bad would come out of it.

I just...don't know. Life's so complex that I have to admit I understimated it. Another thing is always the factor of God into life. I tried blaming God for all the bad things that have happened recently, but I feel like I'm yelling at my reflection on a mirror. God is not there to console me, God is not there to offer a solution, God never offers an explanation. I just find myself standing in front of that mirror asking the same questions and receving no answers. In the end, I have to seek the answer myself. In the end, I must find myself with a single resource.

Perhaps it is somewhat blasphemous to presume God's impotency and lack of interaction; however, I recently don't really care. I can handle the event of not getting into the school of my dreams or not getting an extremely coveted award. But this? Why did He make me feel like this in the first place, then take it all away? Why does He condemn me to having to tear my own feelings apart? In His presence, I am forced to take myself apart and put myself back together, like some sort of sick joke.

Now I'm supposed to still believe after all of this.

My mom always reiterated that God always picks his strongest children for the toughest tasks, but I really want Him to stop picking on my family.

But see, these are the moments I realize that I cannot change anything by complaining, and that in reality, complaining is diminishing my own strength. Well, I am at a loss.

A complete loss of personal strength at the moment. I've gone too long trying to tolerate what life throws at me, dodging things left and right, covering up messes, and making miracles happen. I know life isn't like the movies, but is it so wrong to ask for maybe one thing to turn out alright?

"You were the one I loved...the one thing I tried to hold on to.
I used to get lost in your eyes. And it seems I can't live a day without you.
Closing my eyes until you chase my thoughts away.
To a place where I'm blinded by the light.
but it's not right.


And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.
I want you but I'm not giving in this time."





 It's amusing how much inspiration I used to find when I blogged in my old journal. Now, I'm dry of thoughts, witicisms, and insight.

Nowadays, I find myself trying to find scraps of what I used to do, things I used to write about, places and people that used to inspire me. I take long walks in pointless places to try and find the pieces of opportunities I didn't take or memories I want to have with me forever. I miss a lot of things; among them, I miss friends that I was sure I knew. I don't know if it's a problem, but I grow too attached to people. I want to hang on to friendships forever, but I always end up losing a few along the way. So now, whenever I meet someone, I try to figure out how long it might take for us to drift apart.

So I continue my walk without destination or purpose. I always believed I was a woman caught between what she wanted to be and what she really is, and the more time passes, the more I realize how true that is.

And the friction of being between a forced reality and an intangible dream is exhausting. 

This summer, everything is going to change. I've braced myself for it. I will say good-bye to people I care about. I'm going to make choices I don't want to make but need to do so, and will put myself on the track that I need to be on.




 

How do you decide what, and who, are worth fighting for in your life?

 If you are in love with someone, but they do not love you back, should you fight for their love or conform to what happens?

What kind of role do morals play in regard to your feelings?

What draws the line between selfishness and perserverance to fight for what you really want?

I won't lie; these are usually the questions that surround any blog entries I write. I am the story of a girl who had everything in control until she met that one guy who changed everything. Cliche, I'm sure, but nonetheless real.  Now everything's inverted, and I'm trying to figure out how to make things right again.

  This was before college....I wonder what happens now.